If you sit next to me I may have to kill you. Jus’ sayin’.

There are many things I hate about flying but top of my list is fellow passengers.  Surely in this day and age someone should have invented a quicker way to travel?  Airplanes are just so old skool… I want to be able to click my fingers and arrive at my destination, or blink my eyes twice whilst imagining a sunny beach.  Why can I not spin around three times in a telephone box and magically arrive?  Instead I have to endure hours of torture in airport lounges, frisks by security, over-priced meals, endless shopping and I always seem to be on the plane that’s delayed.

When I finally reach the plane I’m incapable of sitting still for more than four seconds, the fifth second of an eight hour flight sees the start of a gradual transformation from normal person to someone that may kill the next person that kicks the back of my seat, dares to adjust their food tray, reclines their seat, or all of the above.

Seat belt signs scare me more than the thought that P!nk and I will not live happily ever after because we so will.  The second it goes on I’m desperate to go to the bathroom or have an overwhelming need to find something that I don’t really want in the bottom of my hand luggage.  I am absolutely positive seat belt signs are used by flight attendants worldwide as a means of torture.

I’m always lucky enough to be seated next to screaming children and their frantic parents or the guy who needs medical treatment half way through the flight.  During one flight I had the pleasure of sitting next to a woman who vomited on and off for four hours…  Normally I’m patient, but place me in a confined space with people I don’t know, or want to know, and I suddenly turn into a monster.

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I’ve only ever managed to fly without fear of a nervous breakdown on the odd occasion that the plane took off and the seat next to me remained empty. Mind you, this absolute pleasure is only realised after thirty minutes of torture. Thirty minutes spent looking at boarding passengers and crossing fingers that the scary looking guy who is walking towards you is not the one who is going to share your breathing space for the next eight hours. Relief comes as the screaming children pass by, the old fella who you know is going to tell you his life story sits in the seat behind and the lady that really should have booked two seats sits down a few rows in front…

Alone for eight hours to stretch out, put my feet up on the seat next to me and use the arm rest without fighting for it. Bliss.

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About Politely Insulting

I'll be writing random stories about family, friends and unsuspecting peeps.
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13 Responses to If you sit next to me I may have to kill you. Jus’ sayin’.

  1. You can’t have P!nk — she’s mine, bitch!

  2. Akelamalu says:

    Oh you summed it all up for me! We were once upgraded to Business Class on a flight back from Bangkok – it was bliss! I’m panicking now because come Sunday we will be on a 9 hour flight to Canada – wish me luck. x

  3. lisleman says:

    Typically when I first settle into my seat I feel relaxed that I’ve made the flight. Take off is another moment of relief too. Long flight suck. I know that feeling of watching and hoping that boarding passengers skip that seat next to you. This will not help you feel any better – but I can remember the days when planes were mostly empty and I often got upgrades. Those days are long gone. I went from Premier status to dirt bag status.

  4. joannajenkins50 says:

    I was totally spoiled back in the good old days when companies flew employees first class. It was paradise. Now, paying for my own tickets, and flying coach– it’s torture. Pure torture. I can’t even remember the last time I flew on a plane that wasn’t totally sold out. Ugh.
    xo jj

  5. I totally do the same with fellow passengers walking towards my seat. Mentally I try to wish the seat next to me vacant. It never works -_-

  6. Anne Nash says:

    You never know one of these days it could be your wee Scottish granny coming down the aisle to sit beside you. That would really set your nerves on end!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  7. VEGGIE says:

    Wait….did I write this??? Yikes dude, WE ARE TWINS! Well except, I have no designs on Pink. She’s all yours, funky lady that she is. 🙂

    I was on a three hour flight the other day and it was on Ryanair, aka: fight people for a seat that doesn’t suck. I ended up with an aisle, and both people next to me, nice though they seemed to be, had bladders the size of a peanut. Up and down… I just want to put my ‘phones on, close my eyes and not deal with anything, instead I had to get up, get down, ad nauseum to let people pee. GRRRR.

  8. Why is it always a large sweaty person and not a Johnny Depp lookalike? Makes a mockery of the law of averages 😦

  9. And it’s gotten so much worse over the years. Sometimes I can even look around the waiting area, decided who I DEFINITELY don’t want to be seated next to and know with grim certainty that that person is who will be next to me. I’m always right. Every. Time.

  10. You should fly with me. i would entertain you the whole trip by constantly digging around for things, losing them, dropping them, and spilling stuff! It’s entertaining!

  11. Rob says:

    Thankfully, I rarely fly. Once I was seated between a husband and wife. She liked the window. He liked the aisle (very large man). It was weirdly entertaining. On a totally different flight, I was once again in the middle seat between two guys – one college age and one my age. When I went to the bathroom, I neglected to zip my jeans (I wonder if that’s why one them gave me his number) – only to discover my indiscretion once I was in the airport.

    Pink? I’m sorry, but isn’t she still married?

    I miss your posts 🙂

  12. Do you know and will you believe it? I have NEVER flown – not once, so all this is fascinating for me.

    I think you might like Dave Allen’s rendition of Flying on this link
    http://platosprocastinations.blogspot.co.uk/2010/05/dave-allen-talks-airplanes.html

    Sorry I have been incognito lately – I have been bust driving a minibus!! and looking after little old ladies just like your grannie LOL.

    And writing prose experience – a new for me.
    Hugs
    Eddie x

  13. thatdarngirl says:

    I found you…that is all I care about..Miss you..thatdarngirl

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