My family’s weird but wonderful. It’s been a long time since I visited Bonnie Scotland and I reckon it’s time I got round to paying them a visit. I already know exactly how the holiday will go…
When Mum’s not spending hours dragging me around charity shops and car boot sales she’ll be making butter, sausage, butter, black pudding, butter, bacon and butter rolls. It’ll be necessary to drink at least 300 cups of tea per day and watch a minimum of five back-to-back reality shows.
Wee Scottish Granny will drive passed the back door ten times a day after numerous errands. Of course she won’t come in, she’ll just sound the car horn and shout through the window that the ‘rains on its way’ or that she’s ‘off to get some messages’. We’ll know when she’s home for the day as a look out of the window to Granny’s house four doors down will show that she has ‘put her car to bed for the night’. God forbid anyone that needs her to take it back out of the garage.
I won’t be allowed out with Aunty, as she will lead me astray. Aunt will argue that I’m the bad influence, I’ll argue it’s her and Gran will ban us from spending any time together, especially if it involves a trip to the local pub.
Every single meal will involve bread and butter – not margarine, proper butter – Not scrapings of butter but huge big chunks of greasy fat. It’s illegal in Mum’s house to eat less than 6 slices of bread a day and every visit to the shop is followed by someone shouting ‘don’t forget we need bread’.
Neighbours pop in one by one and share the village gossip over more sugary tea, chocolate biscuits and butter. Every conversation will revolve around the other neighbours and what they have been up to. I will know who has been coming and going, who has been sleeping with whom, who is getting a new fence or bathroom fitted and who I am no longer allowed to talk to.
I just need to remember the golden rules:
- Never turn off the television
- Salad is banned
- Never put the wrong item in the recycling bin
- Don’t use sarcasm in front of Granny
- Never complain it’s cold
- Always buy bread
- Despite the fact the lounge is very comfortable everyone must sit in the kitchen
- If a space is found in the fridge it’s time to go shopping
- The kettle should never be cold
- There will never be a dull moment