Granny’s Internet is still down which means I continue to escape a clip round the ear for my recent posts. Happy days. I’ve got three more days to get in as many posts as I can until she opens her emails and decides to kick my ass.
Recently I collected Granny from the airport. I’d been waiting a while and was starting to panic but when she came through customs with a bright red face I knew something was wrong. She looked like she was about to fall down and as I got to her she managed to whisper, “get me oot o’ this place, I’m gonna have a heart attack”. At that point I thought I’d have a heart attack too.
The second we got out of the airport Granny threw a passport at me whilst mumbling and pointing at something – The something she was frantically jabbing was her husband’s picture in his passport – She had traveled from Scotland to Amsterdam and Amsterdam to the Middle East on his passport! It wasn’t until she joined the visa queue here that she realised that both the Scottish and Dutch immigration had thought that she was a man. I told her that I had lived here for six years and they still think I’m male… I don’t think she appreciated that.
Ten minutes later Granny was outside catching her breath and constantly shoving the passport under my nose saying “he’s got a beard, he’s got a beard”, I’m not sure if she was more traumatised by the thought that she could have been deported immediately or the notion that she may be sporting a substantial amount of facial hair that she had never noticed. We rushed our little illegal immigrant and her sidekick Uncle George to the car before someone came looking for the bearded Scot.
Granny, George and I spent the journey home going over all the ‘what ifs’, my Aunt spent the journey laughing so hard I think she peed!
It was also very traumatic for Uncle George…
Me: Uncle George do you want a drink?
UG: Nah, I’ll just have a beer
Two seconds later the beer had been inhaled
UG: I think I’ll have a drink now
Me: Another beer?
UG: That’s no a drink, I’ll have a brandy
Aunt poured the brandy
UG: Hen would ya just bring me a wee beer too, I need something tae wash doon the brandy
Granny can now add ‘illegal immigrant’ to her list of adventures.
In all seriousness it’s pretty scary that she managed to travel through three airports on a passport that not only wasn’t hers, it belonged to someone of the opposite sex.