I’m told that wee Scottish Granny has no Internet for a few days, this means I can safely post about her without risk of a clip around the ear. I could write a million posts on how absolutely fabulous, funny, generous and smart she is but whilst I can get away with it I will write about the stuff that makes me giggle. I think it’s also time to introduce you to her ‘baby’ (70+) brother, Uncle George.
Uncle George (UG) is a man of few words, he is happy with a beer in hand, a vodka at his side, ‘to change the taste in his mooth’ and a cremated steak at the ready. He isn’t one for change and he’s very proud of his Scottish roots. He won’t talk to you if you’re wearing green (colours of Celtic football club) and he’s just as funny as his wee sister, Granny. Recently we went to eat at a local restaurant:
Me: Uncle George, you want to try some of my curry?
UG: spits across table Curry? Curry? That foreign stuff’ll put me aff ma steak
poking at the food on his plate…
UG: What’s that shite?
Me: A carrot
UG: And what’s this silly looking thing?
Me: A courgette
UG: Well it looks like crap
Me: You don’t need to eat it
UG: Hen, they’ll be no fear of me eating this shite
Meanwhile Granny is pondering the menu…
Gran: I’m not having anything; I’ve done nothing but eat since I arrived
Me: Order, but just eat less
Gran: How can I eat less?
Me: Just leave some stuff on your plate
When the waitress arrived Granny started her ‘eat less’ plan by ordering a plate of onion rings and a plate of chips – Go figure.
Next came the drinks order:
Gran: I’d better have vodka, as I don’t like the soda and lime here
During the meal Granny was busy showing off her new phone (resembling a brick) saying that it was the best phone she ever had. Ordinarily she gets my Mum’s hand-me-down phones so I asked what had happened to that one, she replied, “It was wan o they push up thingies (touch screen), it was bloody useless coz everything kept flying past me so I said te hell wee that fer a game o soldiers and I got maself this yen”.
After mastering the art of Facebook Granny was writing ‘lol’ on almost everything that I posted so I asked her what it meant… she thought about it for a minute or two and then said, “I dunnae ken what it means hen, I just see that all the folk say it so I do too”.
When we got home we called my Mum on Skype. It was the same old scenario of everyone trying to talk over each other. Gran was on one story, my Aunt on another and my Mum on an entirely different one altogether with no hope whatsoever that any of them would talk about the same thing at the same time. In the meantime Uncle George shouts that he can feel his heart beating really fast. Everyone stopped what they were doing and shouted frantically at him to tell them what was wrong. He said, “see, I have tae pretend I’m having a heart attack in this hoose to get anyone tae notice me!”
The Walton’s we are not.