Ya cannae take the Scot oot of Scotland

I’m told that wee Scottish Granny has no Internet for a few days, this means I can safely post about her without risk of a clip around the ear.  I could write a million posts on how absolutely fabulous, funny, generous and smart she is but whilst I can get away with it I will write about the stuff that makes me giggle.  I think it’s also time to introduce you to her ‘baby’ (70+) brother, Uncle George.

Uncle George (UG) is a man of few words, he is happy with a beer in hand, a vodka at his side, ‘to change the taste in his mooth’ and a cremated steak at the ready.  He isn’t one for change and he’s very proud of his Scottish roots.  He won’t talk to you if you’re wearing green (colours of Celtic football club) and he’s just as funny as his wee sister, Granny.  Recently we went to eat at a local restaurant:

Me:  Uncle George, you want to try some of my curry?

UG:  spits across table Curry?  Curry?  That foreign stuff’ll put me aff ma steak

poking at the food on his plate…

UG:  What’s that shite?

Me:  A carrot

UG:  And what’s this silly looking thing?

Me:  A courgette

UG:  Well it looks like crap

Me:  You don’t need to eat it

UG:  Hen, they’ll be no fear of me eating this shite


Meanwhile Granny is pondering the menu…

Gran:  I’m not having anything; I’ve done nothing but eat since I arrived

Me:  Order, but just eat less

Gran:  How can I eat less?

Me:  Just leave some stuff on your plate

Gran:  Sigh

When the waitress arrived Granny started her ‘eat less’ plan by ordering a plate of onion rings and a plate of chips – Go figure.

Next came the drinks order:

Gran:  I’d better have vodka, as I don’t like the soda and lime here


During the meal Granny was busy showing off her new phone (resembling a brick) saying that it was the best phone she ever had.  Ordinarily she gets my Mum’s hand-me-down phones so I asked what had happened to that one, she replied, “It was wan o they push up thingies (touch screen), it was bloody useless coz everything kept flying past me so I said te hell wee that fer a game o soldiers and I got maself this yen”.

After mastering the art of Facebook Granny was writing ‘lol’ on almost everything that I posted so I asked her what it meant… she thought about it for a minute or two and then said, “I dunnae ken what it means hen, I just see that all the folk say it so I do too”.

When we got home we called my Mum on Skype.  It was the same old scenario of everyone trying to talk over each other.  Gran was on one story, my Aunt on another and my Mum on an entirely different one altogether with no hope whatsoever that any of them would talk about the same thing at the same time.  In the meantime Uncle George shouts that he can feel his heart beating really fast.  Everyone stopped what they were doing and shouted frantically at him to tell them what was wrong.  He said, “see, I have tae pretend I’m having a heart attack in this hoose to get anyone tae notice me!”

The Walton’s we are not.


About Politely Insulting

I'll be writing random stories about family, friends and unsuspecting peeps.
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9 Responses to Ya cannae take the Scot oot of Scotland

  1. Shanoo says:

    No wonder I love Uncle George (though I can hardly understand half the words he chomps) and Granny. LOL.

  2. You’re going to get a lot of LOLs on this post!

  3. Akelamalu says:

    Your family may not be the Waltons but they’re definitely more amusing. 🙂

  4. Frangelina says:

    I really did LOL…. fabulous 🙂

  5. berniewood55 says:

    The Waltons are over rated! xo

  6. VEGGIE says:

    Hahaha, *clapping my hands together in demented fashion*! You know what your family is? THE SCOTTISH ROYLE FAMILY! (remember the Royle Family?) Incidentally today a guy at work who was visiting from some contractor firm, and who was seventy if he was a day, said to me, in his politest Scottish, “HAW PAL, D’YE HUV A BOG AH KIN YAYSE, UM GONNAE PISH MAHSELL?” which translates loosely to “My dear lady, would there perchance be a bathroom a gentleman can frequent, before one has a little accident.”

  7. Uncle George is a pistol like your Granny. I loved the story about the heart attack. Ha!
    xo jj

  8. Rob says:

    I love your family! Granny using LOL, clueless of why…to the women all talking simultaneously…to poor Uncle George faking chest pains. Does he even have a chance getting a word in, when he is the only man in the room?

  9. Anne Nash says:

    OK I’m back online and will definitely be keeping an eye on you xx

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