Finding a husband in three easy steps

According to my colleagues I’m officially on the slippery slope to an eternity of singledom.  I’m ready for the rubbish heap and unless I marry immediately I will forever be lonely, unfulfilled and childless.  In fact, every day that I remain single is a day closer to spending the rest of my life surrounded by cats, wearing big girl pants, drinking wine straight from the bottle whilst singing ‘All by myself’.

As distressing as it is to them, I can happily say that I would much prefer to continue through life without a significant other and rely on fleeting happiness with insignificant others.  I may be 21 plus 14 years but I’ll carry on putting off the need for bedside lamps and a joint bank account until I feel like I’m a proper grown up.  It may take a while.

I’m not quite sure that my lovely workmates have entirely grasped the fact that a life of his and hers bath towels would not be for me even if I was in search of the perfect mate, ignorance is bliss.  Despite my androgynous look and the fact that most people call me Sir until I put my breasts in their face (sometimes literally), I find the innocence of my work friends endearing.

The, ‘when will you marry?’ conversation is repeated on a weekly basis around here, recently I realised how easy it would be for me to bag myself a hubby…

Colleague:  This year I am going to find a local man who wants to marry you

Me:  Seriously?  If a local guy takes my back to his home his mother will have a heart attack

C:  No, no, it’ll be fine honestly, you only need to do three things

M:  Which are?


1.  Change your hair

2.  Change your clothes

3.  Change your face

If I’d have known it was that simple I’d have married years ago… Now where’s that wine?



About Politely Insulting

I'll be writing random stories about family, friends and unsuspecting peeps.
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19 Responses to Finding a husband in three easy steps

  1. So you won’t marry me then? . . . . . I have all the right credentials:
    One careful owner
    New artificial hip
    Lots of original teeth
    A superb cardio-vascular system – recently restored!

    That will do for now LOL – otherwise all your other lady readers might get jealous! LOL
    Loved the post and made me laugh a lot.

  2. Akelamalu says:

    I like the sound of Eddie, shame I’m happily married. (wink)

    Loved your post, don’t change a thing.

  3. I’m 21 plus 29 years, but I am increasingly comfortable with my single status. Of course, I put in twenty years as a married w/kids type. I’m not dead-set against re-marrying. Some day. Maybe. But there’s a lot to recommend about independence and insignificant others.

  4. The questions that begin, “when will you…” and end with “marry,” “have kids,” “have another child,” “buy a house,” etc. all mean one thing. “When will you do what most people do so that I can reassure myself that those are the ‘right’ things and that I haven’t gone horribly, horribly wrong with my life?”

    Living single and childfree is glorious. Don’t let anyone talk you out of it.

  5. Anne Nash says:

    Great to see you back. Just remember I will be keeping an Eye on you. Mine will be the first invitation I expect. Stay as you are always xxx Wee Scottish Granny

  6. berniewood55 says:

    Seriously is that all you have to do? Well I’ve been married and now I’m widowed but I have to say I loved being married. I am also enjoying my independence, doing what I like. Ummmm ……not sure what I would do now except I wouldn’t change my face, my body or my clothes so no one would want me anyway…..xo

  7. llcooljoe says:

    As a transman with a androgynous look (although I wish it wasn’t, my goal is to look like Zac Efron) I managed to get myself a partner, who has hung around for 26 years. Seems a bit like a life sentence now.

  8. every time some one asks me why I haven’t remarried I laugh hysterically…what? share my remote? no fecking way.

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