According to my colleagues I’m officially on the slippery slope to an eternity of singledom. I’m ready for the rubbish heap and unless I marry immediately I will forever be lonely, unfulfilled and childless. In fact, every day that I remain single is a day closer to spending the rest of my life surrounded by cats, wearing big girl pants, drinking wine straight from the bottle whilst singing ‘All by myself’.
As distressing as it is to them, I can happily say that I would much prefer to continue through life without a significant other and rely on fleeting happiness with insignificant others. I may be 21 plus 14 years but I’ll carry on putting off the need for bedside lamps and a joint bank account until I feel like I’m a proper grown up. It may take a while.
I’m not quite sure that my lovely workmates have entirely grasped the fact that a life of his and hers bath towels would not be for me even if I was in search of the perfect mate, ignorance is bliss. Despite my androgynous look and the fact that most people call me Sir until I put my breasts in their face (sometimes literally), I find the innocence of my work friends endearing.
The, ‘when will you marry?’ conversation is repeated on a weekly basis around here, recently I realised how easy it would be for me to bag myself a hubby…
Colleague: This year I am going to find a local man who wants to marry you
Me: Seriously? If a local guy takes my back to his home his mother will have a heart attack
C: No, no, it’ll be fine honestly, you only need to do three things
M: Which are?
1. Change your hair
2. Change your clothes
3. Change your face
If I’d have known it was that simple I’d have married years ago… Now where’s that wine?